Huh. 3 Little letters. Slang of the lowest level….an incomplete utterance at best. That was what transformed my whole life. I posted a picture of my fat self after a workout and some old boyfriend from high school posted “huh” as his comment. I let “huh” sit with me for a day or two- like “huh- you look like you don’t spend enough time at the gym” or “huh, you’ve really let yourself go after high school” but I was shocked when I finally inquired what “huh” meant and he responded “I want to fuck you.” You know how TV shows in a science classroom always have this elaborate set up of impressive glassware with brightly colored bubbling concoctions that sizzle and fizz until the moment when some careless person bumps into them setting off a chain reaction that results in a massive explosion resulting in a purple plume of smoke. He was the careless person who set off the calamity that would change my world, him and those 3 little letters. Huh.
I started thinking about the way I looked for maybe the first time in years…I’m a mom, a teacher, a wife, and a hundred other boring things that make you feel asexual at best…while I try to look my best- I never really have the luxury of time to think about it. I remember the night after the “huh reveal” I took a hand mirror, got completely naked in front of the floor length mirror in my bathroom and spent 20 minutes looking at my flesh from every angle. I don’t recommend doing this, no matter how perfect you look, without a few glasses of wine on standby. It’s raw in a way you can’t understand until you see yourself up close and uncovered, vulnerable isn’t a painful enough word. I think we have a vision in our heads of what we look like but it never really matches reality- well I saw reality and it horrified me. Even though I had been fat my whole life, I knew something had to be done…after all I was now viewed as “fuckable” to someone besides my loving husband. And just in case you think I forgot about him and this story is all about fucking some other man, it’s not. I am one of those lucky women whose husband fell in love with her because of who she was, not what she looked like. My husband is significantly better looking than I am, way out of my league in terms of his body, style, and looks. Honestly I wasn’t his type but I was a good girl and he was blinded by that. Lucky me.
So this is how I did it. I lost 60 pounds in a year. I went from a size 14 to a 6 without any miracle pills, pre-made meals, or gadgets and gizmos. Just raw iron will power, a lot of crying, some poor choices that will probably end up costing it all; a small price to pay to lose that much. But be warned…you can follow what I did and probably end up with the same results but remember this disclaimer. It only looks better on the outside because this journey shows how my dramatic weight loss didn’t change that I was fat and ugly on the inside too.