Sexy as a Mother

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Every time I’m with a group of mothers, the conversation ultimately turns to the desire for their bodies to return to their BC state (before children).  I was part of that majority for the last 11 years but this weight loss has come to not only help me accept my AD (after delivery) body but view it not as something to be tolerated but something that is far superior.  Having children forever changes your body, there is no doubt about that but I think far too often, as women, we discount the amazing, powerful, sexy creatures that motherhood morphs us into.

I like to go through my husband’s computer every now and again, trying to keep my finger on the pulse of what turns him on, and I’m always pleasantly surprised by the kind of women he is fantasizing about.  When he was in his 20s, the women he was fantasizing about were also in their 20s with perfect bodies.  As he’s gotten older, his tastes have changed.  While I’ll admit he’s not into women in mom jeans with grey hair and wrinkles, the women he is looking at look a lot more like me than I would have suspected.  Is it possible that his wife, the mother of his children has become something that he desires, reveres, and fantasizes about?  Do we really expect that as we evolve and change, that they don’t?

There is something about being a mother that is inherently sexual…sex makes us mothers and that seems to stamp us indelibly as fuckable.  Our hips widen, our asses get bigger, our breasts get fuller and we see this as something to hide but I propose that these are things that throughout history have made men go into battle to honor.  Women with fuller frames have been prominent in art for centuries, they were revered and seen as symbols of sexuality, fertility, and wisdom.  So just because we now have the ability to photo shop, we should throw centuries of being goddesses out?  Fuck that.  We understand the power of our touch to heal, comfort, adore and these things aren’t just honed for the care of our children, but transfer to the way we touch our partners.  The terms “MILF” and “cougar” have only come into the common vernacular in the last 10 years and yet they symbolize that there is a desire to be with mothers, older women who know their bodies, who have full, soft, voluptuous forms that are designed to offer comfort and love.  Beyond being exhausted by the colossal tasks that are in front of us, there is truth to that whole sexual peak awakening that happens as we get older.  While my husband would tell you that my appetites have always been strong, he’s had to lock himself into the guest room to get some rest since I’ve hit my late 30s.  So push past the tired and let the inner cougar out.

Stop buying into the myth that motherhood transforms us into these sterile, asexual creatures, that no one is looking at.  It’s just not true.  Our partners are turned on when we bend over to clean up some spilled milk.  They watch the muscles flex as we carry a child on our slightly wider hip.  They’re legitimately jealous when they see our children cuddle into our full bosoms as we read a good night story.  We need to stop repressing our sexuality as we become mothers and instead celebrate and channel it into every part of our being. Stop believing that being a mother somehow turns off  the switch of sexuality and instead see that motherhood turns on another light, not dulling but brightening its incandescence . Embrace the sexuality that you possess not in spite of being a mother but because of it.

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You Are Beautiful

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There are several 3 word combinations that a man can say to scare the hell out of you and send you running for the hills like “I’m very complex” or “My mom’s coming” or even “I love you” but the most terrifying words that make me intensely uncomfortable are the words “You are beautiful”.  When a man says those words to me I immediately doubt his intentions, his candor, and his verity.  I squint my eyes together to focus my view and I start to evaluate every thing he says as if he has just come out of the jungle and is in my scope.  Those words cut across my skin in the most brutal way and leave an open wound and a stinging pain and immediately put me on guard.  Despite what his intentions are in uttering, genuine or sinister, the bite in this simple, affectionate declaration  is the deep down belief that we don’t see ourselves that way.

The first lips who lovingly perfumed the air with this phrase was undoubtedly a parent.  We describe newborns as beautiful not because they are (I’ve always thought they looked a little alien-like- even my own children) but because of what they represent…new life, hope, purity, a composite of the love that created them. We call new babies beautiful even when they’re not because of the love we have for them.  Through out our lives, our parents feed us with these words like a teddy bear being stuffed with fluff, insulating us from the blows that life will bestow on our self-esteem later.  As a parent I know the look of pride in my daughter’s faces when their father tells them they look beautiful when they come bounding out of their rooms in a new outfit.  “You are beautiful” is a proclamation that we use to weaponize children, to armor them for a world which won’t see them through the same loving eyes as we do.

But somewhere along the line, those words lose their innocence in two ways.  First, somewhere in puberty or adolescence, someone will say those words and melt your defenses and subsequently break your heart.  The perversion of those words were the key that lets the danger in.  Second, at some point when you’re looking through old pictures with a parent and you see that you were not so beautiful in those memories and you hear your parents lament that you were- you start to doubt the whole validity of those words.  You begin to realize that they are peppered with perspective and salted with a parent’s agape love.  You begin to see that those words are not an absolute and as such can be open to interpretation and forever more you doubt “You are beautiful” whenever it escapes from someone’s lips.

I think about my revulsion of these words a lot as I’m trying to transform my two young girls into women who will be stronger and more powerful than I am.  I think the key is in developing their perception that they are beautiful without saying those words.  Both of my girls have several mirrors in their rooms.  I want them to see themselves and find the beauty for themselves.  I also try to speak those words with my eyes.  When we’re cuddling, I’ll stroke their perfect little faces as if I’m touching a masterpiece.  For myself, I’m fighting for those words to have meaning too.  I’m trying to say them to myself when I look in the mirror and not like some bullshit sing-song affirmation from some self help guru…right now it’s more like the quiet whisper when you’re having a loud screaming match with someone and you finally speak the truth.  I want to believe those words, and we should because there is BEAUTY in each of us but the power from those words can no longer come from having them be gifted to us, it has to be something we already possess inside.